Realising how things are.

This post is sad.  But factual.  And I'm ok with it.

Bringing mum away on holiday happened by accident really.  She commented on Jasmine and I going on holiday and how she would like to go too.  I bought tickets and surprised her for her birthday.

Wondering if this might be a time where we can get close at last in these twilight times of her life, I was hopeful.  You see, as a child, i never was hugged or kissed or told I love you.  I have mentioned this before and I carry it like a sad trophy or something.  Yet it's a heavy burden and I wanted to get rid of it.  Let's face it, many kids have been through much worse. I wondered if this trip might see that happening.

I was wrong.

I don't recognise mum sometimes.  Perhaps I look at her more.  She has a habit of clenching her teeth which is new. She also frowns just a little more than she used to. Although she has always frowned.
She has, in my eyes, always had a sharp tongue.  I  never forget the mornings she flew at me for simply opening the wardrobe and getting my clothes out.  Using the F word and telling me i should get my stuff ready the night before. Shouting and really growling at me. Dad rescuing the situation rapidly with his naked bits on show...sigh.  Then the threats morning after morning that if i complained that she was hurting me as she brushed my hair vigorously and yanked at the knots she would 'shave the bloody lot off'.  To a little girl, this was literal and i was in fear of having shaved hair.

Now of course, I see to her basic needs.  Aiming to do it patiently while putting my life on a back seat.
Yet day after day i witness how different mum and I are.  Although on this trip, my patience has been tested.  IT's all about mum.  She holds court. She expects everyone at her beck and call and insists the waiters kiss her on the lips with a, "Come here, on the lips hahahahaha." And I explain that this is a muslim country so should be commanded even less.  The laughing is noticed by people around the resort as inappropriate.  Each time we sit at a table she tells me which side she is sitting.  It's all about her.  As always. People are noticing her selfish comments and that she's ok 'in small doses'.

Is this dementia?

NO.  This is mum.

Burping out loud.
Not realising how rude she is at times.
Terrible way of speaking to people (thinking its funny)
These are all things we have witnessed in forever.

I hoped we might bond.  But I feel how i feel.
She's a sense of entitlement and little appreciation.

IT is what it is.


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